Reflections from an Au Pair Agency on the Nationwide-Shocking “Au Pair Murder Case”
最近，美国弗吉尼亚州的“Banfield谋杀案”在各大法制节目和新闻中刷屏。作为一名深耕互惠生（Au Pair）行业多年的中介机构负责人，我和大家一样，看完卷宗后感到深深的脊背发凉和痛心。
这个案子极其恶劣，它集齐了婚外情、精神操控、精心策划的“杀猪盘”式陷阱，以及最终残忍的杀戮。
简单回顾一下：男雇主Brendan（IRS探员，懂法）与家里的互惠生Juliana产生了婚外情。为了“在一起”且不因离婚损失财产，他们竟合谋在网上建立虚假账号，诱骗了一名无辜的陌生男子到家中进行“暴力角色扮演”，然后男雇主开枪打死了陌生男子（伪造正当防卫），并趁乱亲手刺死了自己的妻子Christine，最后试图把杀妻罪名嫁祸给死去的陌生人。
这简直是现实版的《消失的爱人》，人性的至暗时刻。
作为行业从业者，我想跳出猎奇的视角，谈谈这背后最核心的问题——“边界感”。无论你是外国来华的互惠生，还是中国出国的互惠生，这都是必须修的一课：
第一，警惕权力的不对等与精神操控。 案中的男雇主比互惠生年长许多，且具有权威身份。对于一个初来乍到、语言不通、身处异国他乡的年轻人来说，极易成为精神操控（PUA）的受害者。辩护律师指出，她是被“诱导”参与犯罪的。但这绝不能洗白她作为共犯的事实，她最终也付出了惨痛的法律代价。
第二，时刻保持清醒的“边界感”：我们可以热切地融入，但也要随时准备好“抽离”。 我在对每一位即将进入寄宿家庭的互惠生培训时常说，互惠生与家庭的关系非常微妙。因为朝夕相处，这种“人性的温暖”确实会带来极好的体验，甚至让我们产生某种归属感的错觉。 但请务必明白，我们与接待家庭之间建立的这种亲密关系，本质上应该是“可以被随时抽离的”。 我们要怀着感激之心去回应他们的善意，项目结束后，我们完全可以成为一生的朋友、定期拜访。但在项目进行中，请务必守住内心那条线——不要把对他人的依赖、感激或崇拜，误读为爱情；也不要发展任何无法“随时抽离”的特殊关系。只有守住这份清醒，这段经历才会是美好的回忆，而不是沉重的羁绊。
第三，正规机构的“安全阀”作用。 这个悲剧也反映出该家庭可能在最初的筛选中就存在严重的人格缺陷。正规的互惠生项目，无论是对家庭的背景调查、心理评估，还是对互惠生在职期间的监管，都是至关重要的“安全阀”。
我想对所有即将踏入全新文化环境的互惠生申请者说： 无论你是正准备远赴重洋，还是即将来到中国体验生活，面对一个完全陌生的环境，世界固然精彩，但也充满未知。请保持清醒，守住底线。如果在寄宿家庭遇到任何让你感到不适、越界或被威胁的情况，请第一时间联系你的中介机构求助，而不是选择沉默或同流合污。
我们痛恨罪恶，但也不必因噎废食。绝大多数互惠家庭都是善良温暖的。关键在于，我们要用专业和理智，去规避那万分之一的黑暗。
The recent “Banfield murder case” in Virginia, USA, has been dominating true-crime shows and news headlines. As someone who has worked in the Au Pair industry for many years, I, like many others, felt a deep chill and profound sadness after reading the case files.
This case is exceptionally heinous, combining elements of extramarital affairs, psychological manipulation, a meticulously planned scam akin to a “pig-butchering” scheme, and ultimately, brutal murder.
To briefly recap: The male host, Brendan (an IRS agent with legal knowledge), engaged in an extramarital affair with the family’s au pair, Juliana. In order to be together without losing assets in a divorce, they conspired to create a fake online account to lure an innocent stranger to their home for a “violent role-play.” The host then shot and killed the stranger (staging it as self-defense) and, amidst the chaos, personally stabbed his wife Christine to death, attempting to pin her murder on the deceased stranger.
This is a real-life version of Gone Girl, showcasing humanity’s darkest hour.
As a professional in this field, I want to move beyond sensationalism and discuss the core issue behind this tragedy: boundaries. Whether you are a foreign au pair coming to China or a Chinese au pair going abroad, this is an essential lesson:
First, be wary of power imbalances and psychological manipulation.
In this case, the male host was significantly older and held a position of authority. For a young person who is new to a country, doesn’t speak the language, and is far from home, it’s easy to become a victim of psychological manipulation (PUA). The defense lawyer argued that she was “groomed” into participating in the crime. However, this does not absolve her of her role as an accomplice, for which she ultimately faced severe legal consequences.
Second, always maintain clear boundaries: we can integrate warmly, but we must also be prepared to “disengage” at any time.
During training for every au pair about to join a host family, I emphasize that the relationship between an au pair and the host family is delicate. Living under the same roof, this “human warmth” can indeed lead to wonderful experiences and even create an illusion of belonging. However, it is crucial to understand that the closeness we build with the host family should fundamentally be “detachable at any time.”
We should respond to their kindness with gratitude, and after the program ends, we can certainly remain lifelong friends and visit occasionally. But during the program, it is vital to hold onto that inner line—do not mistake dependence, gratitude, or admiration for love, and do not develop any special relationship that cannot be “disengaged from at any time.” Only by maintaining this clarity can the experience become a beautiful memory rather than a heavy burden.
Third, the “safety valve” role of formal agencies.
This tragedy also highlights that the family may have had serious personality flaws that were overlooked during the initial screening process. Formal au pair programs, with their thorough background checks, psychological assessments for host families, and ongoing supervision of au pairs, serve as critical “safety valves.”
To all prospective au pairs about to step into a new cultural environment:
Whether you are preparing to travel overseas or soon to experience life in China, facing a completely unfamiliar setting can be both exciting and filled with unknowns. Please stay clear-headed and hold onto your principles. If you encounter any situation in your host family that makes you uncomfortable, crosses boundaries, or feels threatening, contact your agency for help immediately—do not choose silence or complicity.
We abhor evil, but we must not let fear paralyze us. The vast majority of host families are kind and warm-hearted. The key lies in using professionalism and rationality to guard against that one-in-ten-thousand chance of darkness.